Morning funny....

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked him,"Are all of those kids yours ?

He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.

It will be named the "Politician".

"It doesn't work and you can't fire it".

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself
from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the
captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he is screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ..

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $12.50
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..

The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on......

I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14!!!

dfree383 wrote:HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..

The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on......

I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14!!!

so did you wait for 15

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger".

"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days." "Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away. Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But we will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse -- alone." The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..."BRING POSSE!"

Dave, I think you must have too much time on your hands!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Let's offend EVERYBODY !!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat
there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I
wish I had your will power.'


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry
about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose
it eventually. '



Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!



An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is
wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind
at the moment.



Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor
away..But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a
woman with her mouth closed.



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees
a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish
farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that freckin
basket."

Some Really Bad ones........


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning.
----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those pecker enlargers, so I
did...she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries

what a way to start the day

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

dfree383 wrote:A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

That is a good one.

A modern day cowboy named Bob has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray outfit.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish...'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.