Morning funny....

Senior Moment at D.C. Airport: A Great Senior Moment! Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D. C. airport.

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

~ God Bless America ~

^^^^^^^^^^^

Now thats funny, But right on for the ol lady

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

https://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A?version=3%22%3E%3Cparam


hope this <DIDN'T> offend anybody

Hey,I saw my sister in that video

bbf-falcon wrote:Hey,I saw my sister in that video

I seen my next wife .

The guy PASSED out on the cot to start the video looks like someone here on this web site WHO could it BE

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. “Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have two questions.
First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

Subject: The big game hunter walked in the bar and....
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills several more times, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman,
runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices
people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Paddy Michael Fitzpatrick,
an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough
Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps.. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.

Then Obama jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk.
Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells,
"Don't be throwin'down the burnt ones...!!!!"


Warning!!If you laugh at this Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rev. Wright will be coming to kick yo ass!

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats fricking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimetres.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Every day, a male co-worker walks up close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal' ?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an

extravagant lifestyle and no full-time

employment, Which you explain by saying

that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says

Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.

Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says,

'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand

dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his

good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has

wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous...

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks

'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can

stand on one side of your desk, and pee into

that wastebasket on the other side, and never

get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,

but he looks carefully and decides there's no

way this old guy could possibly manage that

stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips

his pants, but although he strains mightily,

he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket

on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has

just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning,

when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

That one made me chuckle. very nice

HOW OLDER GUYS LIKE ME PICK UP CHICKS

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately
dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As I lay making love, I thought,
"Man, these Taser guns are well worth the money."

My Daughter Said


My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... what she actually said was...





"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables


I looked like a fukkin' idiot on the bus this morning.

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's
medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills..

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one,
and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the
pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill
was $10, not $110. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma

Hunter’s Worst Nightmare…

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16
Gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have
it, the foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off , and Ole took
Most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... And
There was his doctor, Sven

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat
You are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, der vas very
Little internal damage, and ve was able to remove all DA buckshot."

"Vat's the bad news?" asked Ole.

"Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
To your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess dat isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
Surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers,
So you don't pee in your eye."

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.