Morning funny....

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going ?' inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a
real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc . She felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced'.

That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that
you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up right away.

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden.

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?

Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did
I put that useless boob ?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?









M&M's of course. Melts in your mouth..... Not in you hand.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
...
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge
against the corner of the blind to take a leak, and as luck would have it, the
dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of
buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and
there is his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye."

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for ...hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Three Roses

A sexually-active middle-aged woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted
her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become
loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of
course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her
on the bed. She immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went
through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit; he wanted to thank you for his new
ears."

My wife and I went to the Hunterdon County 4H agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery...........

A man on his motorcycle was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

GOD replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and Skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and Brilliance only come with Age and Experience.