Morning funny....

Nice !!!

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life
or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland ?" That's the last thing I remember...

Repost !!!! you've been treed !!

"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money, than by what Barack Obama does with mine."

dfree383 wrote:"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money, than by what Barack Obama does with mine."

Oh no you DI'INT !!!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
> their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and say 'Kemo Sabe, look
> towards sky, what you see?
> The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
> 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then say. 'Astronomically
> speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions of planets.
> Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
> to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
> Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
> insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
> tomorrow.
> What's it tell you, Tonto?'
> "You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole
> the tent."

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else

there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the

background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver ...money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver

Now that was harsh !!

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Saskatchewan Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the flats. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away..

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
(My favourite)
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Your Honour, is he serious?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them ...... the live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And to think we pay these people to represent us in courts

dave d wrote:And to think we pay these people to represent us in courts

And they are products of the education system.......

dfree383 wrote:

dave d wrote:And to think we pay these people to represent us in courts

And they are products of the education system.......

and they all seem to end up in government, thats whats really scary!!!

TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS..

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

WOW!! THE CHIP MONKS really get around

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and

urging her to get back into the dating world.


Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,

"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..


Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:

"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.


The following night was the same--

she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--

but now he was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"


He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

How much shit could a dip-shit dip if a dip-shit could dip-shit?

crittersf1 wrote:How much shit could a dip-shit dip if a dip-shit could dip-shit?

Bunches?

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with

a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes -

$50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them

and
told them they'd either have to remove the

sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed

with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,

'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled,

'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two

hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:










Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

Sex On Mars



The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No p roblem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'