Morning funny....

Husband Sensitivity


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

“Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

What's the main difference between a "rectal" and an "oral" thermometer?








The taste!!!

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

To live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...Sorry.


I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.





Never mind.

TEQUILA!!!

Never mind.

Apple pie does that to Dano

[quote="bbf-falcon"]Never mind.

Apple pie does that to Dano








NO! Not old pie head Dan

Remember the good old days when drinking in the workplace was a common thing. Executives had bars in their offices and often offered a drink of Scotch to those they were meeting with. That was back before we became a much softer version of ourselves. With Fast Lane Lifestyle Magazine we’re kind of old school like that.

We’ve compiled a list of reasons why we happen to think that drinking in the workplace can be a good idea. Of course this is something that can only work in offices. Don’t want your neurosurgeon drinking on their job, though they’re probably already pretty hammered anyway or cops for that matter. But for the rest of those who have mind-numbing office jobs, here’s a few great reasons to allow drinking in the workplace…
1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Most models are a lot more fun to shoot when they’ve been drinking

Confucius say,
"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner --
if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

HISTORY OF THE CONDOM

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.



Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the
Bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on
His twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I
Didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the
Snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm
Blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal
Are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and
Find out.'

So the snake fel t the bunny all over, and he
Said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and
A little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny
Rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either,
And the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
The snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he
Replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must
Be a POLITICIAN'

Subject: Logic




>
>
> Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
>
> Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
>
> Doug agrees it's a good idea and the two leave.
>
> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
>
> The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
>
> 'Yeah.'
>
> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
>
> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'
>
> 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
>
> 'Yes, I do have a house.'
>
> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
>
> 'Yes, I have a family!'
>
> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
>
> 'I am a heterosexual! That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
>
> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> 'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
>
> Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
>
> 'No.'
>
> 'Then you're a queer.'
>

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a> burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done> by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full> wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers,> and face mask. > > > > A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from> burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records> provided a positive identification. Investigators then set> about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the> middle of a forest fire. > > > > It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went> diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The> fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as> possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very> large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and> emptied at the site of the forest fire. > > > > You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like> Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the> breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. > > > > Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife> nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the> motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still> holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst> through the glass patio doors. > > > > His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her> husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered> patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the> house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several> flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to> her husband. > > > > While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife> managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She> also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper> towels and tossed them into the toilet. > > > > After being treated and released, the man returned home,> looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to> his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled> himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. > About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. > > > > The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion> and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the> bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his> buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an> ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. > > > > As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the> ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn> himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one> slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell> down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...> > > > >

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon> Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special> ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were> being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause> from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer> whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day? !

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen> shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some> kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric> kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,> she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm> in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily> listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty> of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse . Suddenly, all two> thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken> fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were> trampled to death.

STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay> Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It> came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it.> Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to> bits.

There now, feeling better?

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.

A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."

I told him, "I wish I had your frickin' will power."



Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time.
She said, 'sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout.
She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
Years ago it was suggested that 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away.'
But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

car run good for you last weekend MR. DanO

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and
Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

... The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We should check the crank case"

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think
it's getting gas. We should check the gas tank."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong
with the electrical system. We should check the circuitry."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "We should get out of the car and get in again ."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
Asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
For March......."

Today I had to run to Kroger, our local food store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area. The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said. Well, was my face red. So I said ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names and drove off.

Some people just don't have a sense of humor.

Sid asks Abe: "Do you know of any people of our faith born
and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies: "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks: "Are there any Mexican
Jews?" The waiter says: "I don't know, Senor, I ask the
cook."

He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says: "No,
Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Abe isn't satisfied and
asks:

"Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is
dealing with 'Gringos,' replies: "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says: "I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered
everywhere.”

The waiter returns and says: "Senor, the head cook say there
is no Mexican Jews."

Abe asks: "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says: "Senor, I ask EVERYONE. All we
have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.”

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.


She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Superman was bored at home at thought he would go visit some superhero friends.

He flew over to the incredible hulks house and was about to knock on the door, but realized that the last time he was over he walked in on the hulk and his girlfriend. So he looked inside with his x-ray vision and seeing the hulk with his girlfriend, he quickly flew away.

He flew over to spidermans house and knocked on the door. Spiderman answered and said "Your not coming in because the last time you were here you burned my house with laser vision.

Depressed he flew away and was headed home when he flew over wonder woman's house. Looking down he saw wonder woman out by her pool. Knees up and naked she looked very inviting. It would be too embarassing for superman to fly in with her like that, so he just hovered for a minute. Pretty soon superman started to get excited and started to imagine ideas. Soon he had devised a devious plan: He thought that with his supersonic speed he would fly down, do wonder woman, and fly away before she would know he was even there.
So down he flew, faster than a speeding bullet, faster than a rabbit, he did the deed and flew back into the sky.

Satisfied with his performance, he looked down at wonder woman, and with his supersonic hearing he listened to her response.
Wonder woman said "WOW what was that?"
and the invisible man said "I don't know but my butt sure hurts"

http://www.snotr.com/video/9194/A_Guy_Walks_Into_A_Bar__-_Magic_Apples

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him..

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and

(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THE COYOTE

California :

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.

TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.