Morning funny....

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth
be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you
berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I
do anyting -juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he
says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try
something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

A man is traveling in the desert when all of a sudden he smells BACON! He walks over a sand dune and in the distance sees a bacon tree with juicy bacon on every branch.He races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and he is cut down in his tracks. With his last breath he utters:

“It was not a bacon tree, it was......”

A HAM BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.”

A ham bush? You must be getting heat stroke Dave.

Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.
Obama, who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered - "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president.
Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"
... The elderly woman laughed and replied:

''I fell on my ass ... not on my head...”

dfree383 wrote:An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.
Obama, who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered - "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president.
Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"
... The elderly woman laughed and replied:

''I fell on my ass ... not on my head...”

think I heard about that .

was'nt that Mitt's mom ? less damage if she did fall on her head

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful! People are nice, and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million dollars from American and Canadian gas pumps has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

Loving Wife


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Wives don't forget old boyfriends!

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing,

moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said:

"See that guy? Twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him
down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

This sounds like how this new Healthcare system we've had ramed down our throat is gonna work.....

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical

insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had..

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said,

'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an

electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the
nude

and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

www.cmt.com/videos/misc/788122/roll-me-up-from-the-2012-cmt-music-

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."

A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar.


Bartender asks ....


"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

dfree383 wrote:A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar.


Bartender asks ....


"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

I thought he only did weed and blow , not alcohol

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!


She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line".

[quote="dfree383"]How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.
[/quote
where does the CEO of China Motors sign his name ?

dfree383 wrote:How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.

i thought Obama supporters had direct deposit you know,for that card thingy they use at the store. Romney supporters dont sign checks cuz they dont do the hard labor,they have a couple Obama supporters do it for them.

cool40 wrote:

dfree383 wrote:How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.

i thought Obama supporters had direct deposit you know,for that card thingy they use at the store. Romney supporters dont sign checks cuz they dont do the hard labor,they have a couple Obama supporters do it for them.

could it they support Obama because the have inside info ?

An old German came to New York on vaction to visit old friends.They stopped at a little shop to sit and take a break. The German man say's damn! these are great bagels, we don't have any this good at home! The little Jew who owned the shop pops up and say's " and whose fault is that?"

cool40 wrote:

dfree383 wrote:How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.

i thought Obama supporters had direct deposit you know,for that card thingy they use at the store. Romney supporters dont sign checks cuz they dont do the hard labor,they have a couple Obama supporters do it for them.

Truer words were never spoken, if he had his way, that is the way the whole country would be.

342g wrote:

cool40 wrote:

dfree383 wrote:How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?


Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;


Obama supporters sign theirs on the back.

i thought Obama supporters had direct deposit you know,for that card thingy they use at the store. Romney supporters dont sign checks cuz they dont do the hard labor,they have a couple Obama supporters do it for them.

Truer words were never spoken, if he had his way, that is the way the whole country would be.

come on Dave you know you want one of those sign on the back checks or direct deposit . BTW . how do you get paid ? and with what ? .. camels , goats , salt blocks ... what form of payment .

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.

''Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.

''OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.

''What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.

''Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!