Morning funny....

dfree383 wrote:

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms

BINGO, that's why I have a shot or two every week.

schmitty wrote:

dfree383 wrote:

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms

BINGO, that's why I have a shot or two every week.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm gonna get them here.....

As long as it isn't the Mezcal worm, you will be ok.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

A teacher asks her 3rd grade class, "can you think of anything your family may need at home."

The first kid says "A computer."

Teacher replies, "That'd be very useful."

The second kid says, "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny then popped up and said: "At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asked him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replied, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying,

"Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

Sorry for not calling you on New Years,
I just got out of jail.
I got locked up for punching this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR......

and the bartender said: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You shouldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"Oh I know but it was my first day with the hook."

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride

who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his

mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,


'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

: A SENIORS DRIVERS LICENSE



A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled
by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest
on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a
lawn chair. My goodness, he exclaimed, you are quite old to be
driving!



'Yes,' she replied, I am old enough that I don't need a license
anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked
if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He
took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw
them in the wastebasket. 'You won't be needing this anymore,' he said.
'So I thanked him and left.'



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SENIORS...

It was announced today on Fox News that Monica Lewinsky has decided to endorse Romney....when asked why Monica said:
"Democrats just leave a bad taste in my mouth".

A black guy and white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task. The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job. The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job? The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. What do you think?

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"

DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Very Nice Dave,How soon they all forget.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor.

The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor,

'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain
through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'

The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick
it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there.

'It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head,

'We're no longer welcome at Home Depot either'

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If y...
ou see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied – “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology –

all we did was correct his eyesight...”

Paddy goes into a florist shop in Dublin.
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend"
The florist looks at him and says, " Certainly Sir ... What is it you're after?"
"A fuck" Paddy replies.

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up without his crutches and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on disability."

The Old Cowboy




A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

..."I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

Turkey Recipe

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook