Morning funny....

dfree383 wrote:https://www.youtube.com/embed/iDnEkFSMRik?rel=0&vq=medium&autoplay=1

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

HOW do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? put a shovel into her hands

dave d wrote:HOW do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? put a shovel into her hands

Thx Dave Sooz just slapped me and said," yea right"

maverick wrote:

dfree383 wrote:https://www.youtube.com/embed/iDnEkFSMRik?rel=0&vq=medium&autoplay=1

awesome !!!!

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.

Why do they call that place a "sanitary landfill"? I've been there, and I can tell you that's the wrong name for it.

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville , Mississippi , and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"
Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.

They're overseein' the Stimulus Program.

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:
One in office
One in prison.
Illinois already does this.

Unlucky Day - Some things are just hard to explain!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”

Betty and Martin were about to get married. Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash. When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, 'Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room. He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, 'We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married'. Betty chipped in, 'We were wondering, if the marriage did not work, can you arrange for a divorce?'

St. Peter was exasperated, and then said 'Look! It took me 6 months to find a priest up here in heaven. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?'

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with
the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was
beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very
healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills
to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of
my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's
cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a
machine!

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they
kinda taste like peppermint.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Subject: The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,? "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.? "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."