Morning funny....

A man puts his own foot in mouth.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a dreadful hailstorm.
The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car got dented up very badly. The next day, she takes the car to a repair shop to have the dents looked at. The repair guy, noticing that she is
blonde and pretty flaky, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing so will cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she gets home, she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend --
who also is blonde -- shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tailpipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out: "What are you doing?"
She tells her that the repair guy told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says: "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell.
You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.
The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school
for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears,
she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
little Ranger and trouble were old friends,......
but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this
here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken
pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said
to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants,
no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun
on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled
12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind,
our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and
comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip
done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens
since three o'clock this mornin..!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't f--- with Mommy when she's been drinking."

One night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the sausage company president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old Italina fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa dee brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really, really intrigued.

"Go look in the garage..."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said..

“Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do.
As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double?" "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night.' I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

Once ( we won't say his name ) got posted in the remote area camp.

He saw camel on the road there, he asked a worker about that.

The worker said, "Sir, we use it when we are sexually frustrated."

One night nameless got sexually frustrated.

He ordered the camp worker to get the camel and bring a stool.
The worker did as he was asked.

Nameless started doing the camel with the help of a stool.

when finished he proudly asked the worker, "Is this the way you use it ?"

The worker replied, "no sir, we ride the camel to the next village where prostitutes live."

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grandpa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she

was old enough to know to ask the question then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction

and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,

eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied,

"Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

What deep thinkers men are..

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case....time for another beer!

A blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You can show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple-by the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

An old mans wife is in a coma in the hospital. he asks the doctor if there is anything he can do to help her wake up. the doctor tells him "well you could try oral sex, that's been known to help people wake up." so the old guy asks the doctor to leave so he can give it a go.

after a couple of minutes there is some activity on the monitor. this goes on for few minutes when all of a sudden she flat lines and dies.

the doctor rushes in and asks "what happened!?" . the old man replies " she must have choked"


Jess

A man, goes to his buddy's costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.

The man's friend walks over to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man smiles and says, "Well I'm a premature ejaculation!"

His friend looks puzzled and asks "Okay, well why aren't you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"

The man laughs and says

"I just came in my pants!"

Jess

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven our enemies?

80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,

except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when

the weather was bad.


"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good

to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.


"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. "How old are you?"


"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped

their hands.


"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us

all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy

in the world?"


The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them assholes"


- and he calmly returned to his seat.

"A Virginia man who stole President Obama's teleprompter was sentenced to 7 years in a federal prison. When Obama learned of the man's conviction, he was speechless." -Jodi Miller


Jess

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

Thibodeaux and Boudreaux entered a chocolate store.
As they were looking at the candy, Thibodeaux stole 3 chocolate bars.

When they left the store Thibodeaux said to Boudreaux,
"I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put
them in my pocket. You cant beat that.

Boudreaux replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back
to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." I'll steal while the
shopkeeper is watching me and he won't even know.

So they went to the counter and Boudreaux said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see a great magic trick?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes"

Boudreaux said: "Give me three chocolate bars. "
The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Boudreaux ate all
three. The shopkeeper
asked: "But where's the magic ?"

Boudreaux replied: "Look in Thibodeaux' pocket."

*Lady Interviewer:*Do you drink every day?
*Man:*Yes.

*Lady Interviewer*: How much a day?
*Man:*Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

*Lady Interviewer:*How much does a 6-pack cost?
*Man:*Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

*Lady Interviewer:*And how long have you been drinking
like that?
*Man:*15 years.

*Lady Interviewer:*So with a six-pack costing $10.00,
and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending
roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be
spending $10,800, correct?
*Man:*Correct.

*Lady Interviewer:*If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on
beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your
spending roughly $162,000; correct?
*Man:*Correct.

*Lady Interviewer:*Did it ever occur to you that if you
did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have
bought a Ferrari?
*Man:*Do you drink?
*Lady Interviewer:*No.

*Man:*So where's your Ferrari?

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.
When the captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"


The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 15 million are already there!"