Morning funny....

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Fort Myers Florida, They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Charlotte ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Ohio. They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have
coupons..."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Lady, that's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The bus driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off . . . go ahead . . . I'll hold your monkey for you.”

There was a virgin girl who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Must have been a blond.

Jess

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro; bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Balance


GOD CREATED VIRGINIA

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have
You been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a
planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth, and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed
a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people... Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The
people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent,
and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace,
and producers of good things."


Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about BALANCE, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, YES..

"Right next to Virginia and all its greatness is Washington, D.C.
Wait till you see all the idiots I put there!"

jasonf wrote:Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Saskatchewan Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the flats. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away..

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

lol!

In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in
the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a
lot lower because they're used."

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu since I found it."

A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop

'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'

An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals.
One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor.
To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks the doctor.
The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.”
“That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?”
The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.”
To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .”
The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman.
“Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.”
“Damn it!” she yells. “I knew he was peeing in the fridge again."

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

Top 10 things to not say in the Victorias Secret store.


10. Does this come in childrens sizes?

9. No thanks, just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this!

6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me???

3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!

2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway.

1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!

THE AGANOY OF AGING
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Best Regards, Charlie Sheen

SO TRUE
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.

PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

SEX RESEARCH
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

The meaning of life in 13 words……
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f--k happened"

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?''

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The one in the middle went home for lunch.'

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf

The wine taster !!

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

Subject: Zeke and the Nymphomaniac Now that's quick thinking! Zeke boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation Zeke blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

Zeke swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" Zeke said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," Zeke said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends just call me Bubba."

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

We've all talked to this guy. At last, a picture of him.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off
her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with
that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

Jess

Twin sisters in a nursing home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local rag told the photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS, 'SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'" So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a huge, happy grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LORDY JESUS! - BOTH OF US?"

Jess

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."