Morning funny....

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher
said, "Anyone with 'special needs’" who wants to be
prayed over, please come forward to the front by
the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn,
the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to
pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's
ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and
then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a
"blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation
joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing
now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday…"

Jess

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

NEVER TRUST A FART.

Jess

When Engineers go to Hell...


An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

Jess

A nice story - the elderly are beautiful
When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent
to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a
door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to
all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and
it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for
your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has
Always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never
let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the
broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my
prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss
my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes


Jess

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.
...
A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it.

A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it.

So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.

The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

I don't get it.

Dave C. wrote:I don't get it.

then you are not getting any. lol

The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired

that's good one

If you live for facts and statistics, this is just for you...
No matter how one looks at it, these are incredible statistics. Aside from the figures on aircraft, consider this statement from the article: On average 6600 American service men died per MONTH, during WWII (about 220 a day) - - - - - -

• Most Americans who were not adults during WWII have no understanding of the magnitude of it. This listing of some of the aircraft facts gives a bit of insight to it.

• 276,000 aircraft manufactured in the US .
• 43,000 planes lost overseas, including 23,000 in combat.
• 14,000 lost in the continental U.S.

The US civilian population maintained a dedicated effort for four years, many working long hours seven days per week and often also volunteering for other work. WWII was the largest human effort in history.

Some more amazing facts at the end of the photos...

WWII MOST-PRODUCED COMBAT AIRCRAFT
Ilyushin IL-2 Sturmovik 36,183












Messerschmitt Bf-109 30,480




Focke-Wulf Fw-190 29,001




Supermarine Spitfire/Seafire 20,351





Convair B-24/PB4Y Liberator/Privateer 18,482




Republic P-47 Thunderbolt 15,686





North American P-51 Mustang 15,875





Junkers Ju-88 15,000





Hawker Hurricane 14,533






Curtiss P-40 Warhawk 13,738






Boeing B-17 Flying Fortress 12,731







Vought F4U Corsair 12,571







Grumman F6F Hellcat 12,275







Petlyakov Pe-2 11,400







Lockheed P-38 Lightning 10,037







Mitsubishi A6M Zero 10,449







North American B-25 Mitchell 9,984






Lavochkin LaGG-5 9,920





Note: The LaGG-5 was produced with both water-cooled (top) and air-cooled (bottom) engines.






Grumman TBM Avenger 9,837






Bell P-39 Airacobra 9,584






Nakajima Ki-43 Oscar 5,919






DeHavilland Mosquito 7,780







Avro Lancaster 7,377






Heinkel He-111 6,508






Handley-Page Halifax 6,176






Messerschmitt Bf-110 6,150






Lavochkin LaGG-7 5,753






Boeing B-29 Superfortress 3,970






Short Stirling 2,383




Statistics from Flight Journal magazine.


THE COST of DOING BUSINESS
---- The staggering cost of war.

THE PRICE OF VICTORY (cost of an aircraft in WWII dollars)
B-17 $204,370. P-40 $44,892.
B-24 $215,516. P-47 $85,578.
B-25 $142,194. P-51 $51,572.
B-26 $192,426. C-47 $88,574.
B-29 $605,360. PT-17 $15,052.
P-38 $97,147. AT-6 $22,952.

PLANES A DAY WORLDWIDE

From Germany 's invasion of Poland Sept.. 1, 1939 and ending with Japan 's surrender Sept. 2, 1945 --- 2,433 days. From 1942 onward, America averaged 170 planes lost a day.

How many is a 1,000 planes? B-17 production (12,731) wingtip to wingtip would extend 250 miles. 1,000 B-17s carried 2.5 million gallons of high octane fuel and required 10,000 airmen to fly and fight them.


THE NUMBERS GAME

9.7 billion gallons of gasoline consumed, 1942-1945.

107.8 million hours flown, 1943-1945.

459.7 billion rounds of aircraft ammo fired overseas, 1942-1945.

7.9 million bombs dropped overseas, 1943-1945.

2.3 million combat sorties, 1941-1945 (one sortie = one takeoff).

299,230 aircraft accepted, 1940-1945.

808,471 aircraft engines accepted, 1940-1945.

799,972 propellers accepted, 1940-1945.

Sources: Rene Francillon, Japanese Aircraft of the Pacific war; Cajus Bekker, The Luftwaffe Diaries; Ray Wagner, American Combat Planes; Wikipedia.

According to the AAF Statistical Digest, in less than four years (December 1941- August 1945), the US Army Air Forces lost 14,903 pilots, aircrew and assorted personnel plus 13,873 airplanes --- inside the continental United States . They were the result of 52,651 aircraft accidents (6,039 involving fatalities) in 45 months.

Think about those numbers. They average 1,170 aircraft accidents per month---- nearly 40 a day. (However, less than one accident in four resulted in total loss of the aircraft)

It gets worse.....

Almost 1,000 Army planes disappeared en route from the US to foreign locations. But an eye-watering 43,581 aircraft were lost overseas including 22,948 on combat missions (18,418 against the Western Axis) and 20,633 attributed to non-combat causes overseas.

In a single 376 plane raid in August 1943, 60 B-17s were shot down. That was a 16 percent loss rate and meant 600 empty bunks in England .. In 1942-43 it was statistically impossible for bomber crews to complete a 25-mission tour in Europe .

Pacific theatre losses were far less (4,530 in combat) owing to smaller forces committed.. The worst B-29 mission, against Tokyo on May 25, 1945, cost 26 Superfortresses, 5.6 percent of the 464 dispatched from the Marianas..

On average, 6,600 American servicemen died per month during WWII, about 220 a day. By the end of the war, over 40,000 airmen were killed in combat theatres and another 18,000 wounded. Some 12,000 missing men were declared dead, including a number "liberated" by the Soviets but never returned. More than 41,000 were captured, half of the 5,400 held by the Japanese died in captivity, compared with one-tenth in German hands. Total combat casualties were pegged at 121,867.

US manpower made up the deficit. The AAF's peak strength was reached in 1944 with 2,372,000 personnel, nearly twice the previous year's figure.

The losses were huge---but so were production totals. From 1941 through 1945, American industry deliveredmore than 276,000 military aircraft. That number was enough not only for US Army, Navy and Marine Corps, but for allies as diverse as Britain, Australia, China and Russia. In fact, from 1943 onward, America produced more planes than Britain and Russia combined. And more than Germany and Japan together 1941-45.
However, our enemies took massive losses. Through much of 1944, the Luftwaffe sustained uncontrolled hemorrhaging, reaching 25 percent of aircrews and 40 planes a month. And in late 1944 into 1945, nearly half the pilots in Japanese squadrons had flown fewer than 200 hours. The disparity of two years before had been completely reversed.

Experience Level:

Uncle Sam sent many of his sons to war with absolute minimums of training. Some fighter pilots entered combat in 1942 with less than one hour in their assigned aircraft.

The 357th Fighter Group (often known as The Yoxford Boys) went to England in late 1943 having trained on P-39s. The group never saw a Mustang until shortly before its first combat mission.

A high-time P-51 pilot had 30 hours in type. Many had fewer than five hours. Some had one hour.

With arrival of new aircraft, many combat units transitioned in combat. The attitude was, "They all have a stick and a throttle. Go fly “em." When the famed 4th Fighter Group converted from P-47s to P-51s in February 1944, there was no time to stand down for an orderly transition.

The Group commander, Col. Donald Blakeslee, said, "You can learn to fly `51s on the way to the target.

A future P-47 ace said, "I was sent to England to die." He was not alone.

Some fighter pilots tucked their wheels in the well on their first combat mission with one previous flight in the aircraft. Meanwhile, many bomber crews were still learning their trade: of Jimmy Doolittle's 15 pilots on the April 1942 Tokyo raid, only five had won their wings before 1941.

All but one of the 16 copilots were less than a year out of flight school..

In WWII flying safety took a back seat to combat. The AAF's worst accident rate was recorded by the A-36 Invader version of the P-51: a staggering 274 accidents per 100,000 flying hours.

Next worst were the P-39 at 245, the P-40 at 188, and the P-38 at 139. All were Allison powered.

Bomber wrecks were fewer but more expensive. The B-17 and B-24 averaged 30 and 35 accidents per 100,000 flight hours, respectively-- a horrific figure considering that from 1980 to 2000 the Air Force's major mishap rate was less than 2.

The B-29 was even worse at 40; the world's most sophisticated, most capable and most expensive bomber was too urgently needed to stand down for mere safety reasons.. The AAF set a reasonably high standard for B-29 pilots, but the desired figures were seldom attained.

The original cadre of the 58th Bomb Wing was to have 400 hours of multi-engine time, but there were not enough experienced pilots to meet the criterion. Only ten percent had overseas experience. Conversely, when a $2.1 billion B-2 crashed in 2008, the Air Force initiated a two-month "safety pause" rather than declare a "stand down", let alone grounding.

The B-29 was no better for maintenance. Though the R3350 was known as a complicated, troublesome power-plant, no more than half the mechanics had previous experience with the Duplex Cyclone. But they made it work.

Navigators:

Perhaps the greatest unsung success story of AAF training was Navigators.

The Army graduated some 50,000 during the War. And many had never flown out of sight of land before leaving "Uncle Sugar" for a war zone. Yet the huge majority found their way across oceans and continents without getting lost or running out of fuel --- a stirring tribute to the AAF's educational establishments.

Cadet To Colonel:

It was possible for a flying cadet at the time of Pearl Harbor to finish the war with eagles on his shoulders. That was the record of John D. Landers, a 21-year-old Texan, who was commissioned a second lieutenant on December 12, 1941. He joined his combat squadron with 209 hours total flight time, including 2 in P-40s. He finished the war as a full colonel, commanding an 8th Air Force Group --- at age 24.

As the training pipeline filled up, however those low figures became exceptions.

By early 1944, the average AAF fighter pilot entering combat had logged at least 450 hours, usually including 250 hours in training. At the same time, many captains and first lieutenants claimed over 600 hours.

FACT:

At its height in mid-1944, the Army Air Forces had 2.6 million people and nearly 80,000 aircraft of all types.

Today the US Air Force employs 327,000 active personnel (plus 170,000 civilians) with 5,500+ manned and perhaps 200 unmanned aircraft.

The 2009 figures represent about 12 percent of the manpower and 7 percent of the airplanes of the WWII peak.


IN SUMMATION:

Whether there will ever be another war like that experienced in 1940-45 is doubtful, as fighters and bombers have given way to helicopters and remotely-controlled drones over Afghanistan and Iraq . But within living memory, men left the earth in 1,000-plane formations and fought major battles five miles high, leaving a legacy that remains timeless.





Yakolev Yak-1,-3,-7, -9 31,000+

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the
shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who
owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
...
The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants
to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

A real souther gentleman went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a Cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady.

Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too,and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all.
But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbonreal cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."