Morning funny....

There were 2 golfers on the Golf Course.

One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light.

His Friend Pulls out a 12 inch Bic Lighter.
...
"Wow! where did you get such a large Bic?"

"Oh this?, my genie got it for me."

"Your Genie? Yoh have a genie? Where is he?"

"He is in my golf bag."

The frined says, "can I see him?"

His friend says "yes, sure!" So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie.

The man says to the genie: "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"

The genie says "Yes, but just one."

So, the man thinks for a moment and says "Genie, I wish for a Million Bucks."

The genie looks at him, nods and dissapears back into the golf bag without saying a word.

Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark, even though it is still only just after noon. It gets even Darker.

The man looks up and sees ducks. There are ducks everywhere. there has to be at least a million of them!

The man gets real upset and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks!"

His friiend turns to him with a wry smile and says "Do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 Inch BIC?"

Dave C. wrote:

Your thinking to hard..... its about dispute resolution...... How to make everyone feel like thay have won.

Dave,come home asap. You are thinking like the A-rabs now.

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.


The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."


The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."


I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

*Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and
were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Cooter said, ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over. '

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.. '

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, ' How can you tell? '

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes? ' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'*

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to his doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, ‘I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.’
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, ‘These Western doctors – so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary’
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, ‘You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.’

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .

Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

And all the other bells started to ring.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina


Jess

From a teacher -- short and to the point:

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

racnrick wrote:From a teacher -- short and to the point:

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Nice. Thanks for saying what needed to be said.

Carry on with the jokes.

I rEmbr hElPn mY UnClE jAck OfF a HoRse WheN wE WerE KIds. 

bbf-falcon wrote:I rEmbr hElPn mY UnClE jAck OfF a HoRse WheN wE WerE KIds. 

He wAs a HeRo....... 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Jess

Subject: THE FATHER

A little boy got on the bus, sat down next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.."

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,

"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 

CAR KEYS



 Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.



 I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.



 A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.



 Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.



 Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.



 My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.



 My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

 

 His theory is that the car will be stolen.



 As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.



 His theory was right.



 The parking lot was empty.

 

 I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,



 confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.



 Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;  ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)   "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."



 There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.



 "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!



 Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."



 He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."



 Yep it's the golden years

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Jess

           

An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire.

The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire!
I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it."
The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all bound up in chicken wire.

The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying several rolls of tape.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape.
I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it."
The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with duck tape?"
The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape.

The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with that stick?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow."
The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Sandra , have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reva, what seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Catherine sticks her ass in it.'

A man was sunbathing nude at the beach.
for the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he kept a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you would lift you hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly,
it would lift itself."

Jess

Costly Irish Funeral


Paddy Died. His Will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.

The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.

"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

How big is it?"

"about 6 carats...... "


**

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