Morning funny....

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,

'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

" And then depression set in"

IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you,

there's going to be a string attached.

When I get older I want to be just like him.

As you may know, ammunition is in real short supply and last night a man in his 80's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56 NATO round ammo at the local sporting goods store.

On his way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven station for some gas where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his.

She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "Hey old timer, I'm a big believer in barter, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought for a moment and replied, "Yep, I might be, what kinda ammo ya got?" 

A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a
Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The Vicar said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The Vicar said, 'No shit?'

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied,

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied,

“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

The preachers of two small churches would customarily ride their bicycles and meet in a park following each Sunday's services. They would discuss one another's sermon and the latest news regarding their flocks. On this particular Sunday, one of them arrived at the park on foot. "Good morning, Reverend.", said the other. "Where is your bicycle?".

"Apparently, a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle.", he replied. "This is truly a sad day. I don't how to approach the subject without offending all the honest members of my flock."

"Here's an idea." said the other. "At next Sunday's service, you can preach the Ten Commandments. When you reach "Thou shalt not steal", you should really bear down on that one...make them really FEEL that fire and SMELL that brimsone! Preach that one long and hard. Perhaps then the thief will get to feeling guilty and return your bicycle."

"I'll try it.", he replied. "It just might work."

The following Sunday, both preachers arrived on their bicycles, although the one who had recovered his bicycle was just a bit late.

"Hallelujah!" shouted his friend. "It worked! You preached the Ten Commandments and really PUSHED "Thou shalt not steal" until the guilty person returned your bicycle! The Lord truly works in mysterious ways!"

"Well, that's not exactly how it happened." he replied. "I delivered my sermon as you suggested, bearing down HARD on that Commandment...and nobody showed any sign of admitting guilt...but when I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I left my bicycle."

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Undeniable Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in HerveyBay .
'
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Boat club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of >> her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by >> a soft,silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty >>Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled
approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"

as she put the sledge hammer on the table

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'



Jess

    

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=564978163543508

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A Blonde Realtor walked into an appliance store and said "I want to buy that TV"
The clerk said "we don't sell to realtors or blondes"
She was outraged. She went to her car, removed her badge and jacket and walked right back into the store "I want to buy that TV"
Again the clerk said "lady, I already told you we don't sell to blondes"
so she went home, dyed her hair black and went back to that same store.
she said "I want to buy that TV"
He said "for the last time we don't sell to blondes
she said" my hair is now black, what makes you think im blonde???
Clerk Said "because that's a microwave, not a TV "

TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR CANDIDATE FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.

FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.

SO FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:

SELDOM BIN LAYED

As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the
party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I'm gone, my spouse will
awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning
that sometimes there isn't "anymore."

No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone
calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."

Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never
to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."

So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's
broken and heal it when it's sick.

This is true for marriage.....and old cars, and children with bad report
cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep
them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law
after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter
what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them
close!

Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you
really feel? The important thing is to let every one of your friends know
your true feelings, even if you think they don't love you back.

So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that
asshole, Obama, both times.

Jess

From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever.

The Democratic publicity release said,"...after a little more than 5 years, Americans
have rated President Obama the 5th best president Ever."

The details according to White House Publicists:

Reagan & Lincoln tied for first,

23 presidents tied for second,

17 other presidents tied for third,

Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and

Obama came in fifth.

What did One saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we drop any lower people are gonna think we are nuts! 

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool OLD people. Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.