Morning funny....

What did Lorena Bobbitt say about a recent snowstorm??

There's six inches on the ground.

SON OF A BITCH FISH!



The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."
"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"
"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He
noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the
bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to
her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he
headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old
man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she
lived.

"Yes,...but why?"

"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

That's some funny "shit" 

An extremely large, muscular woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and pointed to all the men sitting at the bar and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was as usual, VERY drunk.

Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina anudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux mah fren', I know it ain't none of my business of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?" Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux . . . to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high gots to be a Ballerina!"

Ralph and Edna.....



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He immediately sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Jess

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"





Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak.

THE SCOTS AND SEX

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon"
and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

A man is driving in the backroads of Kentucky he comes accross a sign on a mailbox talking dog for sale.He approaches a man on the front porch and says do you really have a talkiing dog for sale.He says ya if you dont believe me hes out back in a pen.the man goes to the backyard finds the dog and says hello.The dog also says hello.The man stunned says you can talk the dog yes its true.The man what are you doing back here the dog I used to work for the CIA they flew me all over the world leaving me in rooms with terrorists drug dealers mafia bosses to gain information but as I got older I retired here in Kenntucky.The man quickly returns to the porch and says its true that dog can talk but why are you selling.The guy says because hes a liar hes never been out of that cage.

Golf Panties....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,

a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,

here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'







Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,

here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt

over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency,

here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit

Nice!    

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?” Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from? “The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give you a $100 if you'll let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!"
He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up!"
She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!"
She agreed & accepts the proposal.
Thirty minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the fuck happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply,
"That bastard had all QUARTERS!!!!

Why condoms come in 3, 6 and 12 packs



A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,


"What are these, dad?"


To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and


picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"



The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."



"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."



"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. . With a sigh and a tear in his eye,


the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'? The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'? The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And her, what is she doing'? The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'. Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'? The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: ' And her, .... what's her age'? The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked
a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Toronto , she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax , please
raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt has a sweater with nine buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

  
Now I know why my momma always said she wished she'd called me Johnny.