Morning funny....

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What’s that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where’d you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

“Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits a Camel.”

The Wife's Back on the Warpath Again* or
>
>
>
> I'll be sleeping out in the back yard in the dog house....
>
> ·Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie and all I did was
> suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
>
> ·My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
> fault. I should have taken them off.
>
> ·I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
> "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
>
> ·After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were
> going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
> killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw
> it, I'll soldier on!
>
> ·I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I
> got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
> breathing!   I panicked.   I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
> McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
>
> ·The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
> told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
>
> ·My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the
> front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you
> bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
>
> ·I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
> look like she's moving during sex.
>
>

I laughed.... Ill have to get the strobe lights

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me .

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM : Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys !

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never squat with your spurs on!
2. Never hit a man who's chewing tobacco.
3. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
4. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
5. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
6. Always drink upstream from the herd.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
9. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgment.
11. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
13. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Two Business Men

Two businessmen in the centre of London
were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some pensioner
is going to walk by,
put their face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
when, sure enough,
a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
“Must be doing well...
Only two left."

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"


Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"



Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"



Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"



"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat."




Jess

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that he might need a second operation that the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up so that he could look at what was making him so un-comfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Jess

A man received an e-mail from his neighbor :

"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you’re not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I’m confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future.

Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.

A few minutes later he received another e-mail:

“Sorry Jim: I meant ‘wifi,’ not ‘wife.’”

TWO COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Yes Sir, That about the size of it.  






 

 





































A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.



The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.



She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."



She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......



He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."



She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.



"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.



She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.



At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who did it. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."



The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"



He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."



She paid it and left without saying a word

Sunday Morning Sex"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

THE GOOMBAH MOOSE HUNT


Two Goombah hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into
the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

WTF??


" />

  I guess a man's got to do what a man's got to do

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

 Women's survey on size ..........
Women's response to ...
2 inches - I can't even hold it.  

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied  

4 inches- I've had bigger than it ..    

5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!  

6 inches- perfect.  

7 inches- Love it.  

8 inches - Wow!, but cant have it all.  

9 inches - Painful but manageable.  

10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.  


This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
But I love the way you think!  
--

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”



After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.




“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”



“I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. “My wife told me to stand here

Did you hear that there is a new spray VIAGRA ? It's for dickheads  

Thibodeaux and Hebert were driving down the Interstate yesterday, but Thibodeaux was only driving about 10 miles per hour.

Traffic was passing them left and right, 18 wheelers were swerving all over trying to keep from slamming into them, and traffic was generally in chaos.

State Trooper Boudreaux, sitting near an overpass, saw this and proceeded to pull Thibodeaux over.

Trooper Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Why you goin' so slow ?"

Thibodeaux replied, "Mais, Ossifer, I always drives de speed limit, look der's a sign right der, an' it says '10' ."

Trooper Boudreaux tells him, "Thibodeaux, you dummy, dat's de hightway sign. Dis is Interstate 10."

Boudreaux looks over and notices Hebert shaking and sweating, and asks him what the problem is.

Hebert says, "Boy, I sure wish you had stopped us 10 minutes ago, when we was on highway 182 !"

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church everybody looks at you with disgust but they all want some.

jsracing wrote:Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church everybody looks at you with disgust but they all want some.

Very True.....