Morning funny....

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd
each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal
drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he
asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me
father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya frekin idiot!"

dfree383 wrote:

jsracing wrote:Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church everybody looks at you with disgust but they all want some.

Very True.....

hands on is the best teacher!

What deep thinkers we men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I arrived at the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Jess

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Jess

Boo booooooooo   

Mustang-junky wrote:Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Jess

   

Ok, let's see if this one goes over better.  

A student played high school football in Detroit.
He was a great running back, but a really poor student.
At graduation, he didn't have enough credits.
But he was a great football star and the students held a
rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway.
They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Dwayne could
answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and
all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The principal was on the stage and told him to come up.
The principal had the diploma in his hand and said,
"Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."
He said he was ready and the principal asked him the question.
"Dwayne," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question.
The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.
He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another chant.
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Jess

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came
flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him an Amber Bock. He didn't like it – so I had it.

Then I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it -- so I had it.

It was the same with the Sam Adams and Killian's.

By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

dfree383 wrote:I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came
flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him an Amber Bock. He didn't like it – so I had it.

Then I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it -- so I had it.

It was the same with the Sam Adams and Killian's.

By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

lmao

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Jess

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you steer well clear of the donuts."

Damn, I'll never be able to eat donuts again......

plowboy34 wrote:Damn, I'll never be able to eat donuts again......

Don't know if it is true or not, but an old story told at my work is, there was a grumpy old mechanic always being an a$$ to everyone, and they gave him shit right back. Then he started bringing in donuts for the crew, everyone was happy, treating the guy fairly nice. A few months later, he announced that he was retiring, then a few weeks after he left, the guys found an envelope with some pictures in it, pictures of donuts laying in a urinal, sitting on a toilet seat, and some with someone's manhood sticking thru the donuts,,,,,,  They could never prove it was him or not, but I'm sure they will never forget him every time they ate donuts. So, now the joke is , when someone brings donuts in, we ask them if they have been sized

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

Good one.

A bloke, his wife and his mother-in-law went on a two-week holiday. After a couple of days the mother-in-law went missing. They reported it to the police, and after another couple of days the local sergeant called the bloke.
"I've got bad news for you, mate," said the cop. "I've found your mother-in-law in a creek with 12 mud crabs hanging off her!"
"That's terrible," said the bloke. "What am I gonna do?"
"Well," said the cop, "how about you take six, I'll take six and we'll set her again tonight?"

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome
Alberta prairie,
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales ...


Frank, the hand from Calgary says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Black Diamond, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Ironwood Eisnor from Ontario remained silent, slowly stirring the glowing
campfire coals with his pecker ...

Normally, us older guys have alot more trouble picking up women than the young guys do. Myself, I'm comfortable...I have a little money and like to travel...but I'm getting a bit rough looking around the edges. Most women just aren't drawn to guys like me.
But just the other night, I met a beautiful girl on the walking trails in the park. Our eyes met for only a moment...and then there was a spark between us. Without speaking, she did a charming little dance, then dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
I joined her on the grass and held her. And as we lay there making sweet love, I remember thinking, "Wow. These taser guns are really worth the money."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE

for mav

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.



He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"



The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Please refrain from Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

T herefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__..


Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.


Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues......
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.


Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge..
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.


Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Jess