Morning funny....

name of that insurance company PLEASE....

And the doctor...  ive had that same condition for almost 29 years now...   I believe wedding bands are causal.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been

drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,

that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man and that he drank

champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses

of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alco-test (breath test) him and asks the

Englishman if he knows, that under French Law, why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humor: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking

questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving - on the

other side.

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow ? "

Without skipping a beat she answered, "It's Presidents Day ! "

She's smart, so I asked her, "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."

Now that's funny

dfree383 wrote:I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow ? "

Without skipping a beat she answered, "It's Presidents Day ! "

She's smart, so I asked her, "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.

She replied,  "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."

BINGO she gets it.....

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled " FUCK ME " What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

As we get closer to the election, remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.

vote for Monica, she can get the job done. Have to change the limit of only two terms

Subject:OLE OLSON, THE NORWEGIAN SALESMAN FROM MINNESOTA


Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National

Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.



Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of

advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the

GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.



The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99%

sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI

insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income

recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what

the government was already providing at no charge. The officer

decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and

observe Ole's sales pitch.



Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said?"If

you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get

yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If

yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty

dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary

$200,000! Now, Ole concluded, Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send

ta Afghanistan first??

Nice!

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Mormons, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, Red-Necks etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

Jess

dfree383 wrote:

Ya, it's a bit harsh. Half of them are pretty funny though.

Jess

Not harsh at all imo.sounds about right.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

Jess

BALANCE

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward through the
clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it? "

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Western Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Eastern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of
black people.

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. "There
are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and
coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?
You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the morons I put there."

Wa. state! thought earth was a lot older

DanH wrote:Wa. state! thought earth was a lot older

shshsh, it's just Dave admiring himself.

bbf-falcon wrote:

DanH wrote:Wa. state! thought earth was a lot older

shshsh, it's just Dave admiring himself.

I'm not Fabio......

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?

Jess

And then the fight started!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your  parade
So remember this story the next time.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip  to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who  responded:" Rome ?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome .  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,  but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful,  and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and  foot..   And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling jo b, and now it's a  jewel,  the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,  "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"  


He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"