Morning funny....

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Chicago, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Boston , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is Color coded."

The third surgeon, from Los Angeles , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Detroit chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed:

'You're all wrong.....Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

winner winner chicken diner.

Why Men Wear Earrings


Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring . The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


I always wondered how this came about.

And I thought it was something like why people sag their pants down low.

Jess

http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1410490

For those who don't like to go to the bullet....

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "Why would they do that?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick her candy
Jack got a SHOCK
and a mouthful of COCK
'cause Jill's real name was Randy!

crittersf1 wrote:Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick her candy
Jack got a SHOCK
and a mouthful of COCK
'cause Jill's real name was Randy!

But all is well.... The Supreme Court said so......

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Dave, have you experienced any recent head trauma?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent.

Jess

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.





"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"





"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."





"I do not understand," said the other.





The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."





I said, "No shit?"





God Bless America





Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news. He was there when it happened

maverick wrote:Dave, have you experienced any recent head trauma?

Only Dave

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood.
So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.
"How do you know the Mitchell's are having sex?"
"Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The Flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

"I love the Irish

The federal government, which has 'Tomahawk' cruise missiles, and 'Apache', 'Blackhawk', Kiowa', and 'Lakota' helicopters, and used the code name 'Geronimo' in the attack that killed Osama Bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

Really?

Jess

NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR, even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches
with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January
2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

A man is stuck in traffic on I-40 at Watford Gap.

He asked a Police officer about the delay as he is walking from car to car,
speaking with each of the drivers.

The Policeman says, "There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and
threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if
we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're taking up a
collection for them."

The Man replies "How much have you got so far?"

The Policemen responds, "About 60 gallons but a lot of people are still
siphoning"

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display
racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

Who knows if it's true.... But damn it's funny

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi

Semper Fi


Best thing Ive read in a long long time.