Morning funny....

President Barack Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch office of a regional bank to cash a check.

“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”

“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”

“Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean, I am the president.”

“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID"

Obama sighs in consternation.

“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”

“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Valentine’s Day present.”

The cashier thinks for a minute.

“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.

“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.

“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.

“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?” she asked.

Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.

“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing. My mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says. “Seriously. No clue at all.”

The cashier smiles.

“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

https://m.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?fbid=1044463088907336&id=100000309635417&set=a.105046569515664.9867.100000309635417&refid=7&_ft_=qid.6201003942090349407%3Amf_story_key.-6973734373325730794%3AeligibleForSeeFirstBumping.&__tn__=%2As

How to Tell Where a Cop works:

Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing size schmedium "Tap Out" t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even while in the police station, look."
-Thinks sh#t doesn't stink and even the Chief worships them
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Rates the hotness level of "cranker chicks" and has tried to date at least one at one time
-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT
-Wear hut-hut team T-shirts (size schmedium- to accent pecs and biceps), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation. (Ex. "I just breached my pants. That was so funny!")
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not a SWAT operator, just practice the SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Pleasures themselves over gun collection
-Do EVERYTHING together, including showering and "wrestling"
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)

Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Learn to make other cops hate them
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to chec kout your reflection.
-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra. May even have this as a tattoo
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest and best dog bite.
-Facebook profile pic is of dog
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Starts to look like your dog
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises and bites, even when it is on your ass.

Administrative/Management Units
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Has sold soul and lost balls years ago
-Has awesome pen set
-Updates revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Sh#t a brick when Ashley Madison accounts went public
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.

Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-The higher the seniority the further back you sit in briefing
-Is actually respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irrital bowel syndrome (IBS)
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Buys migraine medicine by the case
-No time for golf

Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, wine tasting or motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
-Has list of all golf courses to visit upon retirement

Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2, not the kind admin types use!).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.

Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
-Confuses golf swing with baton swing

Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
-Would rather shoot than golf

Bicycle Unit
-Shaves legs...just because they need an excuse to shave legs
-Dignity is non-existent
-Wears size schmedium uniform shirt with level 4 vest and spandex shorts (looks like a stuffed sausage)
-Thinks teens are laughing because they are excited to see him
-Facebook profile pic and desktop pic is cool bike photo
-Owns DVD collection of Pacific Blue TV series
-Actually got butt hurt during bike patrol scene in 21 Jump Street movie
-Think they look cool in bike uniform, including helmet
-Doesn't golf- can't fit clubs on bike

Two Muslims walk into a bar.......

Just kidding, they blew themselves up down the street.....

So much for a good joke.

supervel45 wrote:http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1601378                                                                                                                        Not a funny, but a pretty good read I thought.

Nice!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is
why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat obama with a long cane and
snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration
of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bruised and in pain, an Angel appeared. obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for
you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when
someone is trying to tell you something!"

“There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.

But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasn’t known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.

And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. She’s never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.

And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.

And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time I’ve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said that’s the first time I’ve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform.”