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Thats a good one!! The city kids just can't keep up!!!


Bill

His & Hers Diaries - A Canadian Story

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED."

"THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."


"A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

Right-on "Tree", that was awesome...






Doug...

THat had me lolen

A Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says,

'Hey Capt'n got any work fer Me?' The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says

'Fill this out and bring it back to me'. So two days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the Captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do.'

Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says,

'Lookie wok, need wok.'
The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.'

The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey,

you made me fill out a 28 page job application and

you just hired this guy like that,

why?"

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's nest looking

for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck.

Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes

the Japanese guy overboard.

The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's' office and says:

"Remember that Japanese guy

you hired

with the honest face?

Well,

he just F____ off with your mop!"

Old Timer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Man!!!!I"ve got to get me one of them f--kin fences for my bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he
asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to
go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school,
got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing
dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so
now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the
VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then
the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so
they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took
away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Old boy hadn't made love in about a year, so he decided to go into town to the Brothel. He paid the lady and she told him which room to go to. He was so excited, he ran up the stairs, busted through the door, and just jumped on. A few seconds into the session he looked down and said, yeah baby, thats what I'm talking about, I've got you're toes curled up. She looked him in the eyes and said, if you would get up and let me pull my panty hose off my toes will straighten out!!!

Canadian Generosity



A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity.

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

jasonf wrote:Canadian Generosity



A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity.

LOL, we got plenty!! One of the main highways that go over the top of the Great Lakes is called The Taliban Express by truckers!!

Bill

You guys heard about the woman that got hit by the train the other day????????? It's been a real head scratcher for the cops.......













They're still trying to figure out how that train got in the kitchen in the first place.!!!

An Iowa farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles...

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they 'are lying in the grass in the morning, they 'are pregnant. If they are in the mud, they are not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next Morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether them pigs are in the mud or in the grass."


"Neither",yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

The parish priest went on a
fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he
hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


The guide, holding a net, yelled,
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language
is uncalled for!"


"No, Father, that's what kind of
fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me
land this Son of a Bitch!"


Once in the boat, they marveled
at the size of the monster.


"Father, that's the biggest Son
of a Bitch I've ever seen."



"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.
What should I do with it?"


"Why, eat it! Of course You've
never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"


Elated, the priest headed home to
the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his
prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son
of a Bitch I caught!"


Sister Mary gasped and clutched
her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what
kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you
going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest
that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should
fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a
Bitch," she said.


As she was cleaning the huge
fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"


"Father wants me to clean this
big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."


"Sister! I'll clean it if you're
so upset! Please watch your language!"


"No, no, no, it's called a Son of
a Bitch Fish."


"Really? Well in that case, I'll
fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main
course!"


"Let me know when you've finished
cleaning that Son of a Bitch."


On the night of the new Bishop's
visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



The wine was fine, and the fish
was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is
great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught that Son of a Bitch!"
proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a
Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared
the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"


The new Bishop looked around at
each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fuckers are my kind of
people!"

One rainy spring night in Belfast , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered." Vale Road ," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "just what the hell you are looking at?'" "Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

That is funny as hell, I don't care who you are.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Indian. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits down beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Indian.

Leaning over towards him, he whispers, 'Do you want a blow job?'
At this the massive Indian leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face knocking him swiftly off his stool.

He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Indian.

'I've never seen you react like that,' he says. 'Just what did he say to you?'

' I don't know,' the big Indian replied. 'Something about a job.'