some humour

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion,
I was soon able to come to terms w/the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, & we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers … so I did.
She's 21, & her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub w/my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "pedophile" & other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 & I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts & low cut tops ...
Altho they do make Jon look a bit gay.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said,
"We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde & a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend ...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or, in other words … B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great tho.
It does everything … Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said ‘yes’ & 11% said ‘no’.
The remaining 72% said "I am not understanding the question, please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads
& non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.

They've sent my form back.