End of the week funnies

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.


2. At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'



4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
' Which one ?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'


6.. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered ... .... . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read .. . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.'


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . .

8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '