If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

jasonf December 24th 2009, 7:12 pm

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send
you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy
in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do
you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides
his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some
Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a pony and a tuba.. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up
with a Barbie. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding
in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of
my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in
the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your
house. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work
with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love,
Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa